12 Days of Christmas Rant

Seasons Greetings from the Lockbox!

I’m taking a break from fiction today. I need to rant.

I celebrate Christmas. It’s not out of any religious obligation that I do this, but rather it is because Christmas is the holiday with the most lights. A born and bred New Englander, pine trees are a staple. Plus, this time of year wouldn’t be complete without “Carol of the Bells” in its various forms.

In fact, I really love most Christmas songs. There are a few I learned about via my college choir that I could live without, but, for the most part, Christmas songs are either beautiful or fun. As a true music lover, that means quite a bit to me. And so it is with warm regards that I give the majority of Christmas music two thumbs up.

All that aside, today’s rant is about one Christmas song in particular, and it’s not about one of those previously mentioned ones I could live without. No, it’s a song that I don’t actually dislike. It’s about a song that drives me something south of crazy. You’ve heard of the Pachelbel Rant (and if you haven’t, you have now). Well, this is the “12 Days of Christmas Rant.”

Writers—you, better than anyone, understand the importance of being paid by the word. Writers and readers, is there or is there not anything worse than too many words? You know what I mean. When you open a book and are met with “The brown, dappled fox pranced lightly through the snow-dusted forest, flicking his tale in a completely ordinary side to side sequence and puffing out a feather-like breath with every….” Make. It. Stop!

Wikipedia offers a nicely written article about the history and lyrics of “The 12 Days of Christmas,” stating up front that the lyrics are cumulative. Yes, that means what you think it means. It means that on the fourth day of Christmas, the poor person not only got the 4 calling birds but also three more French hens, another couple of turtledoves, and a brand spanking new partridge in a fresh pear tree.

So not only is that a ton of gifts, but it’s the longest freaking song ever!!!

Truth be told, I didn’t used to have this issue. In high school, I loved “The 12 Days of Christmas.” In advanced choir (chorale) my junior and senior years, we had a great 4-part harmony version of the song to which we would add visual aids. Day 1 was a single female mimicking a bird. Day two was two people (usually men) being all cutesy. Day three was three people (usually men) shouting in French accents and so on. Ten lords a-leaping was all the girls. Nine ladies dancing was all the men. It was the most fun I’ve ever had with that song.

And then I sang it in college.

“On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…a partridge in a pair tree.
On the second day of Christmas…*snore*”

Despite my attempts, the director would not agree to let us act it out, and we were stuck standing on the risers, rather pathetically (there wasn’t a lot of us) singing this extremely repetitive song.

I endured this, as painful as it was, and live to tell the tale. But my feelings for “The 12 Days of Christmas” have not been the same since.

And then this Christmas season, I discovered a version with instrumental interludes.

That crosses a line.

I am now forced to return to my college years and explain the solution to the problem of the repetitive song. As a practical upshot, this doubles as a warning to writers everywhere about being paid by the word.

One of my fellow sopranos turned to me during rehearsal one day and said, “Mary, I figured it out. We don’t need to sing the entire song.” She proceeded to sing her new version.

“Over 12 days of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
12 drummers drumming
22 pipers piping
30 lords a-leaping
36 ladies dancing
40 maids a-milking
42 swans a-swimming
42 geese a-laying
40 golden rings
36 calling birds
30 French hens
22 turtledoves
And 12 partridges in pair trees”

Hallelujah!

Alas, the director wouldn’t approve that change either despite our arguments that it was shorter, more to the point, more economically friendly, better for the audiences’ attention span, containing the same message as the original, less likely to insight mass rioting on the part of the choir, and showing in the soprano section’s creative skills.

My personal issues with singing the longer version in choir, can we return to the poor giftee in this situation? When you sing the entire song out, the damage seems less intense. “Oh, another 3 hens. That’s not bad.” Not so, those hens add up. Thirty hens are much more intimidating.

It’s not just the hens, either. That’s a lot of birds—184 birds to be exact. Now, where is she going to keep all those birds? And what “true love” didn’t think to include birdfeed?

And how is the giftee going to afford to keep all these birds? For our purposes, let’s assume that the giftee is a woman (because the prospect of a woman courting a man with 40 golden rings is a bit odd). Back in the day, women could not amass wealth independently without considerable questioning.

But let’s say she can. If she’s not already independently wealthy—which would help quite a bit—she’ll need to sell the 40 golden rings. Assuming that the rings (in keeping with the time) are 24-carat gold, all forty would sell for roughly 66k dollars in today’s market. That’s not a lot by today’s standards. Thus, it stands to reason that its equivalent back then would not have been a lot for the time.

There are still 184 birds to feed.

And that’s just the birds. What about all those extraneous people? Counting up the drummers, pipers, lords, ladies, and maids gives her 140 more creatures to provide for. Oh and there’s still the 40 cows that came with the maids.

Clearly, the profit from the 40 golden rings is not going to be enough.

Well, the 42 geese are “a-laying,” which means eggs. And the 40 cows and their maids are “milking,” which means (duh) milk. Using these two, she could sell homemade ice cream.

Then she’s got 36 hens. On their own, they’re quite useless, but if she invests (wisely in my opinion) in a single rooster, those hens could increase her egg production.

All this work and its still, most likely, not enough.

Well, she’s got 12 drummers and 22 pipers at her disposal. Those make for excellent street performers. Once her capital has grown enough, she could invest in a few different instrument players and form an orchestra. She could then host real concerts and earn a more steady income.

But alas, the numbers keep growing, and, let’s face it, the partridges, turtledoves, calling birds, and swans are pretty much useless. The pear trees on the other hand could bring a profit. And since the pairs contain seeds, she could plant more trees. That would, inevitably, lead to hiring people to tend the trees, which would, in turn, lead to more expenses.

“Hey, all you dancing and leaping weirdos! What do you do?”

“We leap…and dance.”

“Awesome. Do that in front of people and ask for cash.”

And if times got really hard, she could always retire the dancers and leapers in their current roles and use them to open a brothel. You wanna live on the farm, earn your keep.

At this point, she should have amassed a good amount of money. So there’s only one thing left to do.

-1. Purchase falsified documents
-2. Leave the country
-3. Change her name
-4. Never have contact with her idiotic “true love” again.

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Writer’s Lockbox

What can be taken away from “The 12 Days of Christmas?”

-For the love of all that’s holy, when they say “paid by the word,” that is not an invitation to write as many words as possible at the expense of kindness to the reader and/or characters.

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If you’d like to hear a sung version of “The Condense 12 Days of Christmas,” head on over to my YouTube and have a listen here.

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Below is a list of parodies of “The 12 Days of Christmas.” Enjoy and Happy Holidays.

-12 Pains of Christmas
It’s called the most joyous time of year. With great joy, however, comes great stress.

-12 Drunken Days of Christmas
This lady had “a little” too much to drink.

-Bob and Doug McKenzie’s 12 Days of Christmas
A bit one-track minded, but they know what they want.

-Chipmunks 12 Days of Christmas
The fun starts around day 6.

-Jeff Foxworthy 12 Redneck Days of Christmas
Just your average presents….

-Shrek 12 Days of Christmas
Presents from the swamp

-12 Days of Christmas – Hunger Games
Just some friendly advice

-12 Days of Christmas – The Clone Wars
Star Wars gifts—always a plus

-12 Wizarding Days of Christmas
Fred and George just love what everyone got them

-12 Disney Princess Days of Christmas
Not really a parody, but you know my thing about Disney.

-Muppet 12 Days of Christmas
The fun starts on day 8

Author Interview--Anna Zabo

Happy Apocalypse!

And welcome back to another interview on Fiction Friday. Today Anna Zabo is in the hot seat. As always, the interviewee will do the talking. Here we go.

-What book and/or experience made you want to be a writer?

As a young person, books opened up worlds for me. They made me laugh and cry. I saw love and the flowering of hope along with the perils of hate and vengeance. I learned that even the smallest of people could find the strength to change the world. Books lifted me up and gave me hope. I missed characters when I finished books and was overjoyed if I could meet them again in another. More than anything, I want to give to readers what those authors I read gave to me. I want to stir emotions and grip hearts. I want to show hope in darkness and how much power love can invoke.

-What genre(s) do you write?

As Anna Zabo, I write erotic paranormal romance and fantasy romance. I write science fiction, fantasy, and occasionally horror under another name.

-Publication history?

Close Quarter, my debut erotic paranormal romance, was released in November from Loose Id.

-Upcoming publications or works in progress?

I have a contemporary fantasy short story, Missing Persons, forthcoming next year in the Trust and Treachery anthology. It’s under my other name.

I’m currently working on the sequel to Close Quarter and also on a fantasy based loosely on the hundred years war.

-Spoilers?

Here’s a wee little peek at the sequel to Close Quarter, which has the working title of Strong in Spirit:

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The Order had sent him an adult to train. A human. A man. They knew he didn’t teach adults—human or otherwise—hadn’t since the debacle with Ozan. Yet here Vasil was, grasping Altan’s hand, hope peeking though the cracks in the fear and bitterness the man wore like a second skin.
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-For aspiring writers, any tips?

Keep writing. It’s okay to write bits of things... drabbles... ideas. Stick them in a folder. You might not finish them right away. You might not finish them at all. And that’s okay. You might also look through that folder later and pull something out that turns into the perfect story. But the most important thing is to keep writing.

-What’s your favorite book/genre to read?

My favorite genre is fantasy, because it can take you away from the “real world” while still teaching you quite a lot about that world. And the hope I glean from fantasy makes me believe that we can make this world a better place, too.

-What’s your favorite thing you’ve ever written?

There’s a scene near the end of Close Quarter where Silas faces his past and is finally able to put many things to rest. It’s sad and hopeful and joyous all at the same time. I ended up writing through tears. And I’ve been told it’s made others cry. But it ended up being my favorite scene in the book.

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About Anna
Anna Zabo writes erotic paranormal romance and fantasy. She lives in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, which isn’t nearly as boring as most people think. A lover of all things fae, she finds the wonderful and the magical amid the steel and iron of her city.

Want more from Anna?

Check out her website/blog at annazabo.com. Find her on Facebook and follow her on Twitter @amergina.

The Next Big Thing

Hello folks,

The Next Big Thing

Last week, I was tagged by my friend/classmate at Seton Hill, Jennifer Loring.

Here’s what I’ve got to say.

-What is the working title of your book?

By the Fight of the Silvery Moon

-Where did the idea come from for the book?

NCIS—the TV show, not the actual government organization. I love the show and one day wondered “What would this be like with magic?” Make a few changes, build a magic system and ta-da.

-What genre does your book fall under?

urban fantasy/possibly paranormal mystery

-Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

Heh, no clue. Lol

-What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?

When Vern Sumac, former dryad to a Poison Sumac and current office assistant at the New York branch of the Magical Investigation Agency (MIA), witnesses the murder of a supposedly human Times reporter while he is in wolf form, she needs to rethink everything she knows about magic and help her boss/best friend, Inspector Warren Gazeban, find out who did it and why.

*That’s a long sentence.*

-Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

Issues with the way this is worded aside, I’m prepping to query it to agents. We’ll see what happens. *fingers crossed*

-How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

God, I’m not even sure. It’s gone through phases. Originally, it was a novella that took a year or so because I kept making changes. The version I have now took, probably, a couple of months. The last 50k was a pre-nanowrimo type of thing. (October instead of November)

-What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?

I guess it’s comparable to Jim Butcher’s “The Drezden Files” and Shanna Swendson’s “Enchanted Inc.” series.

-Who or What inspired you to write this book?

Like I said, NCIS, but also the burning desire to write something purely fun. My writing was always so serious before I started on this project. I wanted a character that I could pour all of my sarcastic thoughts into and who could then think them on paper for the rest of the world.

-What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?

I’ve read so many urban fantasy novels, I think I’ve lost count. Some have very refreshing takes on magic, others—not so much—and I’m thoroughly sick of any type of plotline that centers around vampires. So I deliberately picked a creature not given a lot of spotlight space (the dryad aka tree nymph) and then asked myself “what would the strangest thing that could happen to a dryad be?” Bingo, main character.

Book Review: HEX HALL by Rachel Hawkins

Hex Hall
Author: Rachel Hawkins
Publisher: Hyperion Book – 2010
Genre: young adult fantasy

Amazon|B&N|Goodreads

In the wake of a love spell gone horribly wrong, Sophie Mercer, a sixteen-year-old witch, is shipped off to Hecate Hall, a boarding school for witches, shapeshifters and faeries. The traumas of mortal high school are nothing compared to the goings on at "Freak High". It's bad enough that Sophie has to deal with a trio of mean girls led by the glamorous Elodie, but it’s even worse that the trio is an extremely powerful coven of dark witches. Complicating things further are Sophie’s growing feelings for Elodie's gorgeous warlock boyfriend and her friendship with the most despised student on campus. As if normal high school problems times ten aren’t enough, Sophie finds herself at the center of endless trouble when someone starts murdering students and Sophie’s despised friend is the top suspect. A secret society is out to destroy all supernatural creatures, especially Sophie. When Sophie begins to learn the disturbing truth about her father, she is forced to face demons both metaphorical and real, and come to terms with her own growing powers.

Hex Hall is a young adult book featuring a main character who uses power to an alarming degree and is then swept off to a secret boarding school where she will be around others of her kind and learn to control her magic. Like heroes of similar books, Sophie Mercer is super-powerful and has abilities she doesn’t know about. What makes this book different is that Sophie knows exactly what she is from the get go. This allows her to be effective and knowledgeable when students start to go missing.

Author Interview--Jason Blatt

Good Friday,

After a short break, I’m back with another interview. This week Jason Blatt is in the hot seat. And…here we go.

-What book and/or experience made you want to be a writer?

I don’t think I could limit it to any single experience or book. At a very early age I started making up my own stories. My mother would bring these notepads home from work, and I’d lie on the living room floor and spend hours making very crude comic books. So I’d make up these fantastic drawings of underwater bases and people turning into monsters and aliens and explosions and twists. No written dialogue though. Even then I was already hearing the “voices.” I don’t think that experience is necessarily unique; it’s just that I never really stopped doing that. That probably sounds weird, huh? I probably shouldn’t say that out loud too often. When my drawing ability didn’t keep up with the weird characters in my daydreams, I started to paint with words. I suppose a big part of it was having parents who encouraged me to read. One of my favorite Christmas gifts was an illustrated edition of A Christmas Carol. I still have it. And I’ll never forget the day my father came home after work with a brand new set of World Book encyclopedias. All those dogeared pages! The world was made up of all these amazing stories, some truer than others. But still—I was in love.

If I had to name names: Ray Bradbury, Douglas Adams, and Hunter S. Thompson. I blame them. Their work not only inspired me to write, but made me a reader, too.

-What genre do you write?

My heart is in comic fantasy. There’s just so much freedom in that realm as a writer to me. Besides, there are enough serious writers out there. I decided a long time ago that if I ever said anything profound it was accidental. That’s not to say that comic fiction can’t make a point. It often does. But that’s what I love about the genre—it’s very diverse and has a rich history. Otherwise, I don’t like to start out by dictating a story by genre conventions. If I think it will make a better story, I’ll try it. At least in the early drafts. I plot some, but it always changes as I work.

-What projects are you working on now?

My main project right now is my Seton Hill MFA thesis novel, a comic science fantasy, but I’ve also been working on some short stories that expand that novel’s fictional universe.

-Spoilers?

From my MFA WIP:

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“Now that,” Atticus said, “is a hell of a thing.” He stared at the crumpled body, scratched his head, and finished what beer he hadn’t spit all over himself and half the kitchen. His three-legged Miniature Schnauzer hobbled in from the other room. Admiral Nelson was always a moody son-of-a-bitch, but especially when Atticus was behind schedule. He curled up on the mat by his empty bowl, looked up with his one good eye, and let loose a disaffected groan. His miniature paw rubbed the black patch covering the empty socket of his other eye.

“And how are we this morning?” Atticus said.

“You know, this simply won’t do,” the Admiral growled.

“We’ve got a bit of a situation.”

“We most certainly do.” The Admiral nudged the bowl forward with his nose. “Now--what are you going to do about it?”

“I’m not talking about food.”

“It’s what I’m talking about,” the Admiral said, “and until you resolve this oversight I really can’t be bothered. Not before morning num-nums.”

“You’re impossible.”

“Said the four hundred-year-old alien to his talking dog.”
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-For other aspiring writers, any tips?

When I was 19, I tried to write my first novel. It was called Red Martian Camp and was loosely based on my experiences as an undergraduate at Penn State University. I had about 75pp when I showed it to someone I considered my first mentor, a high school English teacher. He told me to keep it to myself. It was a very long time before I had the confidence to try again. So remember that anyone’s advice or feedback is just that. If you hear the call and believe in it, don’t let anyone dissuade you from pursuing it. Just keep things in perspective.

-What’s your favorite book/genre to read?

I try to read as broadly as I can, but I can always rely on Terry Pratchett or Christopher Moore for something I know will hit the spot. I love the Modernists, Jazz Age fiction (what style!), Hammett and Chandler’s detective stories, John Le Carre, Cormac McCarthy, George Saunders, P.G. Wodehouse. David McCullough’s John Adams—great book and a fantastic historian (and fellow Pittsburgher), who knows how to tell a great story. E.L. Doctorow’s Ragtime. Ernest Cline’s Ready Player One. Jose Philip Farmer’s Tarzan Alive! And I’m always expanding my knowledge of comic fiction. Right now there’s some Robert Rankin in my short stack, along with Gary Wolf’s Who Censored Roger Rabbit?, Carl Hiassen, Nightlife of the Gods by Thorne Smith.

-What’s your favorite thing you’ve ever written?

I haven’t written it yet, although I’m not sure I’m ever completely satisfied with a creative project. Several months ago I completed a short film and I was already thinking of what I’d change/add as it burnt to disc. Artistically, being satisfied is a kind of complacency to me. But there are deadlines. I suppose you learn to deal with it. Then again, I’m just getting started, so what the hell do I know?

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About Jason
Born in a small rustbelt town north of Pittsburgh, Jason Blatt is currently a candidate in Seton Hill University’s MFA in Writing Popular Fiction program, where he’s working on his first novel. A graduate of the University of Pittsburgh, he holds degrees in English/Creative Writing and Film Studies. He briefly studied film production at Pittsburgh Filmmakers, where he was the recipient of a First Works grant in 2011 for his satirical short film “Teabagger.” At some point, he plans to return and earn his certificate in film production. In another life, he studied political science at Penn State University, where he worked on local campaigns in State College, but mostly dealt with an early onset of advanced cynicism. Thanks to his Great Dane and a healthy sense of irreverence, he still has hope.

Want more from Jason? Says he…

I’m on Facebook and Twitter @jayblatt. I’m fairly absent from both (until the novel’s finished at least), although I’m saving a ton on birthday cards, which is nice. Once I’ve completed the draft of my novel, I plan to direction some attention to creating a blog. “More to Come,” as the old Tonight Show intertitles used to read.

Five Things Not to Title Your Novel

Hello,

As promised on Monday, I’m back with a more realistic post.

All right, it’s realistic, but it’s still more on the light-hearted side. The categories are serious. The explanations…I had a little fun with those.

Here goes.

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Five Things Not to Title Your Novel

The old adage reads “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” Should be true, but I know I do occasionally, and I’m guessing I’m not the only one. So here’s my two cents and five categories of titles not to give your work in progress.

-Anything in the style of “The (insert profession) (insert family member status)

In all seriousness, there’s an abundance of “So-and-so’s daughter/son” novels out there. The trend has been done to death. So unless you're going to entitle your book “The Pumpkin Carver’s Third Cousin Twice Removed on his Father’s Side,” don’t bother.

-A catchy single word

I’m talking about a word like “Dreams.” While it may sum up the book, there’s a ton of books out there with the single word “Dreams” as their title. Not the best way to stand out, in my opinion. (NOTE: This principle also applies when “a/an” or “the” is placed before the single catchy word.)

-The (insert type here) Night/Day

Like the family member category above, these titles are overused. Insert day or night into the thesaurus. It will help your book stand out if it says “The Brightest Diurn.”

-Vampire anything

K, this might just be my dislike of all things sexy vampire. See my rant here. But in all seriousness, “Vampire Hunter/School/Night/etc.” are getting old.

-Something that’s completely unrelated to the book’s contents

This sounds like a no-brainer, but you wouldn’t believe how many books I’ve finished only to think “That title had nothing to do with anything.”

Thank you for reading, and I’d like to invite you back for next Wednesday’s post. It’s going to be all about that urban fantasy I’ve written.

For Hanukkah

Evening,

I hope everyone had a good weekend. Mine was crazy, and, as a result, today’s post is severely lacking in media and/or analysis.

It is, however, the sharing of a YouTube video.

In honor of Hanukkah, I give you Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song.

Enjoy, pass it along, and have a good night.

I shall return with a real post on Wednesday.

See you out of the box,
Caboodle