Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Five Reasons Vampires Aren't Sexy

Good Wednesday,

K, this week’s post is about something that’s bugged me for years. I can’t recall when I read “Twilight”—I think it was my senior year of college—but, as I’ve said and explained, I’m not a fan. My reasons for this stance are scattered throughout my blog posts at relevant places (Bella ticked me off, Edward was over-protective, sparkling, vampires).

Upon further reflection, I hardly thought “vampires” was a good reason to dislike “Twilight.” I mean, vampires are perfectly legitimate creatures—they were in the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual. That’s enough for me. So I tried to give them another chance.

Then I read “The Drezden Files” by Jim Butcher and realized that I was never going to give romance novel vampires a second chance. Butcher has three types of vampires in his urban-fantasy Chicago—White Court, Red Court, and Black Court. The White are naturally gorgeous; the Red glamor themselves up to look gorgeous, and the Black are not gorgeous at all. The White and their beauty worked for me, though, because they fed off of human emotion—drawing it out of their prey like the Red and Black Courts do blood. So, Butcher's White Court is my exception to the rule that vampires are not sexy.

Yes, I said it. Vampires are NOT sexy. And here are five reasons why.

-They’re dead

Necrophelia—*shiver.* In real life, we shudder at the idea of Necrophilia. But when the corpse is undead (basically dead but animated), it’s perfectly acceptable. Excuse me? That’s like saying that it's all right to kill someone with a knife but not a gun. The result is the same—death. Vampires are dead. Corpses are dead. What makes vampires so hot?

-They kill people

Murder is heavily frowned upon. Mass murder is heavily frowned upon. Yet, vampires wander around in fantasy or paranormal books and drain the life out of individual and/or large numbers of humans. Meanwhile, people (usually girls because the vamps are usually men) overlook this and think: “Vamps are so hot!” They’re murderers…hello?

-They suck blood

A friend of mine in college, the day the Red Cross came to take blood, said to my group of friends “I’ll see you guys at dinner. I have to go see the American Vampire League.” I thought that was one of the funniest things I’d ever heard. Later on it occurred to me that said friend was right. The Red Cross shows up to take blood and people reluctantly, but with a surge of guilt or duty, sign up to donate their precious, life-sustaining plasma. There’s nothing sexy about the needles. There’s nothing sexy about watching the little bag fill up.

Yet, when vampires do it, it’s the “hottest thing ever.” I’ve even heard people say that they’re jealous of the girls in the books and movies who have the super-hot vampire suck their blood. There’s a line between wanting to be close to someone because they’re physically attractive and insanity. Wanting to have your blood sucked out of you by the super-hot vampire (when you cringe at the Red Cross van) crosses the line.

-They tend to control people

I feel like this is less common, but I have seen it. Vampires are sometimes depicted as having a mind-control ability. They look deeply into the eyes of their prey (or something like that) and will the fragile mind within to bend to their every whim. As a result, the poor human is left trundling off after their Vampiric Pied Piper, unaware that anything is wrong.

“You’re ugly and stupid. Do you think any other (insert gender here) will want to put up with you? I’m the only person who will.” Sound familiar? It’s every “abusive significant other” speech we heard in middle school when they made us take classes on relationships. When a friend tells us that their boyfriend/girlfriend has been talking to them like that, our first reaction is usually something along the lines of “Get out of there. Break it off. Do what you have to. I’m here if you need help.” In the movies, vampires do their mind-control thing, and people think “Oh, the super-hot vamp has taken his victim under his/her spell. How romantic.” How romantic? It’s psychological abuse!

-They’re cold and pale

No, I’m not being prejudice against people who don’t tan to fit the “American standard.” I don’t tan. My skin is light (darker now because summer just ended). I’m sure there are people who have looked at me and thought, “Ugh, she’s so white.” For any of those people, I do not care. What amazes me is that those same people would look at a vampire and think, “Oh my God, he/she’s so sexy!” You just looked at a pale human and thought “gross.” Why is the vamp so hot?

Similarly, cold people give warm people a jolt. Have you ever high-fived or held hands or shook hands with someone who has chronically cold skin? Your first thought is “put on some gloves” or “rub your hands together.” Vampires are chronically cold creatures. And yet, their hands being colder than the ice cubes is “so hot.” Actually, it’s so cold, but no one noticed because it was a vampire—not a human being.

There you have it. Feel free to argue with me. But I have some points. Humans who exhibit the above qualities are undesirable. The minute these traits are applied to a vampire, however, they become the hottest things anyone could ever be. Vampires just automatically get pushed up the ladder of attraction to the slot labeled “Hotter than God.” I, personally, find them gross. I’m outnumbered, however. So maybe I’m the crazy one.

Wednesday Word Tally

Character info time: Vern Sumac
She’s twenty-seven years old with a B.A. in psychology from New York University. She’s originally from Southern California and a half dryad. Yes, you heard correctly—a half dryad. I’d explain how that works and what that means, but that would be telling.

Vern is the POV character and office assistant to wizard Warren Gazeban—her best friend. Vern runs the office (and does a very good job of it for a dryad). She loves the warlocks, hates the fairy, and has moments of fierce attraction to Warren that she can’t act on. Why? Again, telling. ;)

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